Who the hell is Hank?!

"Once-upon a-time, I wrote a novel. Then I wrote another. People seemed to dig it so I wrote another. That’s when Hollywood came knocking at my back door. As soon as I cashed that check I wrapped my lips around the mighty erection that is the Film Industry and sucked hard just like a good whore should."

Hank Moody

Hell-A Magazine blog number 1

Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying it's female population.

1x01 - Pilot

10.2.2008 19:58:40, Sonny, trvalý odkaz

Nun: What about a blow job?
Hank: Mhm??
Nun: A blow job, would that make you feel any better?
Hank: A blow job from you?
Nun: Something tells me it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.
Hank: No, but... But you're a nun. A totally fucking hot nun. Sweet baby Jesus... Hank is going to hell.

Blonde: My husband,he's never given me an orgasm.
Hank: Never?
Blonde: Ever.
Hank: Does he , you know, go downtown? Toward the south land?
Blonde: Never.
Hank: Going to the hood?
Blonde: Well, it's not true, yes, he has. But he made me take a shower first. Then, he's spent 45 minutes trying to find my clit.
Hank: How did he do?
Blonde: I'm pretty sure he thinks it's in the bottom.
...
Hank: What the fuck is that?
Blonde: It would be my husband.
Hank: Okay.Maybe I should hide under your clit, he'd never find me there.

Hank: Yellow submarine?
Becca: Pirates.
Hank: Again?
Becca: Johnny Depp is hot!
Hank: I concur but wouldn't you rather expand your cinematic horizons and pick a film that's based on a piece of litterature and not a theme park ride?
...
Hank: Pirates it is.

Becca: Father?
Hank: Daughter?
Becca: Can I ask you something?
Hank: Yeah, anything, my love.
Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
Hank: You wait... right there, okay?
Becca: There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's okay?
Hank: I'll check.

Hank: I know that look. That's the look that shrivels my testies.

Karen: Imagine my fucking disappointment when you turned out to be the biggest cliché of all, sitting there and googling yourself. I saw you.
hank: I google myself but I never cheated on you. Never.
Karen: Cheating isn't just about fucking someone, Hank.
Hank: I got a dictionary in there that will differ with you!

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1x02 - Hell-A Woman

10.2.2008 20:30:41, Sonny, trvalý odkaz

Hank: Maybe too much space is actually the root of the problem.
Bill: Hank, please... My daughter is 16, and she's an angel. Clearly I'm doing something right.
Hank: You poor bastard.
Bill: Excuse me?
Hank: Homo says what?
Bill: What?
Hank: Gotcha.

Hank: What the fuck is that?
Bill: You like it? I could've bought a car instead.
Hank: I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.
Karen: Did you ever stop and think that it might be nice for Becca to see us all get along for a change?
Hank: Yes, and it might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the white album, but I haven't been able to quite master that yet.
Hank: What can I bring, Bob? Bill? Billy-Bob? Whatever the fuck; that's not a "fuck," Becca.

Hank: Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place.
Charlie: That's nice. My assistant makes me want to hang myself.
Hank: While masturbating?
Charlie: Are you retarded or something?
Hank: Funky back tat on the small of the back. You know what that means. She likes it in the pooper.
Charlie: Really?
Hank: I have no idea. I just wanted to say "pooper".

Charlie: How's the new book coming?
Hank: Now, that's a hostile question.
Charlie: You have owed your publisher a book since Becca was breast-feeding. I remember because I used to like to watch Karen do that.
Hank: Kiss my black ass.
Charlie: You need a fucking job.
Hank: What? Okay. What do you got?
Charlie: Listen. You hear that?
Hank: What?
Charlie: That's the sound of my phone not ringing for you.

Hank: Nipple ring? Two? Anywhere else? She's got a nose ring, too. You know what that means.
Charlie: She likes it in the nose?
Hank: That is sick.

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1x03 - The Whore of Babylon

11.2.2008 09:42:08, Sonny, trvalý odkaz

Hank: Once upon a time, I wrote a book. People seemed to dig it, so I wrote another and one after that. That's when Hollywood came knocking at my back door. As soon as I cashed that check, I wrapped my lips around the mighty erection that is the film industry and sucked hard, just like a good whore should. Unfortunately, I had to be taught not to orphan the balls.
Todd: Moody!
Hank: Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Carr, the caramel-coated, chrome-domed auteur who took my precious little novel, wiped his ass, and transformed it into the craptastic crowd-pleaser also known as Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
Todd: Still bitching about being a whore to Hollywood?
Hank: Only when my pimp's not around.
Todd: You're no goddamn fucking Faulkner, you know.
Hank: And you're no Brett fucking Ratner. But that could be a compliment, and in that case, I didn't mean to.
Todd: I'm sick of you talking shit about me in the press.
Hank: That's why you're here? I thought you came after finding out I fucked your wife in almost every room of your house. Every room of your house. And I'm sorry about the rug. I didn't realize the old lady was a squirter.

Hank: You looking for a dick punch ?
Bill: Do you want to punch me in the dick ?
Hank: I kind of do, but standing here talking about it is beginning to sound kind of gay.
Bill: Go ahead. Take a shot. But think, would you want Becca to see this ?
Hank: I'll settle for a titty twister.
Bill: God. You're 11.

Hank: Right. Well, do you see yourself marrying this fella?
Redhead: You never know.
Hank: Girls know at once whether they want to fuck, marry, or kill a guy. Which begs the question, how am I doing ?
Redhead: Bye now.
Hank: Hang out with your wang out, but remember -- no gloving, no loving.
Redhead: You had sisters. You learned about girls. You were good with them, maybe a little too good. You read books, and you didn't want to die 5 miles from where you were born. So you escaped into the city you romanticized
and reinvented yourself as a poor man's McInerney. How am I doing ?
Hank: Pretty good, a lot more gracious than mine. I blacked out there in the middle, when you were really strumming my pain with your fingers, but... well done.

Mia: I'm late...
Hank: What? That's not possible. I... wore a condom. That's... That would be like the Immaculate Conception. And you, you're the one who... and then you left.
Mia: I'm late for school.

Hank: Well, I just can't work for Bill.
Karen: Why not?
Hank: Well, for one, he's a dick.

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Hank's Pointless Pussy

11.2.2008 09:46:43, Sonny, trvalý odkaz

Good Morning LA. In the land of the lotus eaters time plays tricks on you. One day you are deaming, the next your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times, if only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me while I drown in a see of pointless pussy.

I don’t know how I got here, but here I am; rotting away in the California sun. There are things I need to figure out- for her sake at least. The clock is ticking, the gap is widening. She won’t always love me, not matter what.